Business as usual at the Mirage

Submitted by David Pitts

A Christmas Story

Submitted by Diane A. Monds

"The Good, The Bad, And The Just Plain Icky"

Dame Fortune smiled o'er me
(At least, I thought it 'twas a smile)
Her favor seemed to glide across my stacks
Like the early morning sunlight
Over Yucca Mountain.

The light bulbs glistened upon the shine
Of the months of grime and sweat and shame
Which had laminated themselves into the grain
Of my red Bellagio cheques.

"Raise," the foul villain in Seat Three snarled
And I peeked once again at my black aces. I glared
At my foe, I smiled, I laughed (A tell, you say?),
Then looked to the man in the cheap bowtie,
"Raise again," I said, pushing stacks before me.

The dealer burned, the dealer flopped,
(And belched and coughed), then flopped the cards
With three to the middle. Ace, king, jack -- all red.
Two hearts. Would Dame Forture deign to break mine own?

The bad dude in Three could not hide his glee [the obligatory rhyme]
And threw his money before him
As though it had no meaning. And indeed,
Time had also lost all meaning of its own.
[As has this poem. But anyway ...]

I thought. I cried. I lamented my fate.
Yet I knew he could not yet have me beat ...
I finally called the bluffing bastard.
(Or at least I hoped it was thus
'Cause I just can't let my top set go.)

Turn came black -- trey clubs! O joy!
O frabjous day! [wait, that's been done]
He checked. I raised the mutha, to the max.
And then ... sumbitch raised me back.

Turn was -- king clubs! I got the nuts!
Unless ... no no, can't be;
But Seat Three did bet and I did sweat.
'Twas a large bet to me.

The board was paired, which made me fill;
I knew there was but one way to lose.
"What are the odds against?", I sighed,
And raised the prick all-in.

"Turn 'em up", the dealer said ...

.......

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;

But there is no joy at Bellagio ...
The bastard sucked me out.

(and no bad-beat jackpot, on top of that)

PokrDude

Could someone please explain Omaha to me?

What you do is get four cards. Doesn't matter much what they are because nobody really looks at them anyway. Next, they put three cards on the board. It doesn't matter what they are because nobody really pays any attention to the flop either. Then one more card for the turn and another one for the river. Same betting scenario as before. Doesn't really matter much what they are, except, for a few of the players that may have "cheated" and looked at their hole cards. These players may now fold if they have absolutely no outs. (Mostly bad sports.) Now, at the showdown, everybody turns over their cards and helps the dealer figure out who has the best hand. You MUST play two cards out of your hand so this usually takes a while and and the winning hand is usually found out after a little bit of searching by all of the players and a partially confused dealer. The dealer now pushes the pot to the wrong player and everybody yells at him and he smiles glibly and says, "Oh yeah,,,sorry" and then sends it in the right direction. Then, after all of that excitement dies down, everybody lets out a collective sigh of relief and gets ready to wind up and do it all over again. Fun game.

Submitted to RGP by BobA928674@aol.com on 11/5/98

Proper Poker Etiquette in Cardrooms

Submitted to RGP by BobA 928674

Universal Poker

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite "Lies"?
Truth: My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
Evil: : (snicker) Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.

Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil: : (sigh) Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Evil: Oh, just get this over with.
Order: But now we have to bet!
Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
Truth: I have five aces.
Order: I have five ace of spades.
Chaos: I have a three.
Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!
all but Chaos: (groan)
Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
Order: I fold...

Pack Up

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

Dog Gone Poker

"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Submited to RGP by crferry@aol.com (CRFERRY) - Chuck

Poker Players are Never Satisfied

About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs. "

The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.

The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?"

The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!"

The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!"

Submitted by marym@itis.com (MadMary)

Props are Players Too

Having worked as a prop player in the 70's, I also agree completely with this statement. We had a prop at the Mint who was an absolutely terrible player. A very jovial guy, retired from thirty years with Sears with a good pension. He just wanted something to do. Locals used to complain to the shift boss if he was picked up!....... Another prop was hired at the Mint, came to work the next day, then disappeared for four hours during the middle of his shift. When the shift boss inquired as to his wherabouts, he replied that his luck had not been very good that day playing in the Mint, so he had been across the street playing at the Four Queens!

Submitted to RGP by bcoxjr@aol.com (Bcoxjr) AKA as Bill

Gary Learns No Limit Hold'em

Ah, the no limit experience. Makes me recall the time I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. When I ordered it, I had a few hundred in chips. It was a $20 buyin no limit game. A few minutes later, as I was getting up from my chair, the waitress brings my sandwich. They cost $1.10. She didn't even look at the spot of green felt in front of my chair, she just looked at my face and said, "You can't pay for this, can you?".

Submitted to RGP by gary_carson285@my-dejanews.com (Gary Carson)

Harry Gets A Big Hand

One night, after a nine hour session, Harry was dealt four aces and bet a load. George, was a skinny old guy who seemed mostly interested in putting Harry on tilt. George drew three cards and Harry drew one. Harry thought about check raising, but bet $500.00, figuring George would either call or more likely fold.
Instead, George pushed all his chips in the center and said, " I bet two thousand all-in".
Harry couldn't believe his ears and called the bet.
Grinning from ear to ear, Harry said, "Four Aces.", and reached for the chips.
"Not so fast, sonny.", says George. "I've got me a Straight Flush to the jack."

Harry went into shock. After a moment or two, he got up and calmly walked into the bathroom. As he splashed water on his face, he noticed an old straight razor on the shelf beneath the mirror. He calmly reached up and took the razor and slashed both wrists. As he stood there bleeding into the sink, one of the stall doors opened and, Joe, a friend of Harry's walked out.
Upon seeing Harry, Joe said, "Hey, Harry. A bunch of us are going over to Sam's tomorrow for some stud. Wanna go?"

Harry quickly pressed his wrists together, vein on vein, and says, "What time?".

Submitted to RGP by pmg@monmouth.com (Pat Gilvary)

Funny Things heard at the Poker Table

After a player check raised on an open end straight flush draw with two overcards .... misses, bets out again and gets called by pocket 33 to his King high ....
Player #1: "Jeeze, how can you call that?"
Player #2: "I have a hard enough time folding the losers ... now you want me to fold the winners?"

Walking out of a grocery store ...
Solicitor: "Sir, would you care to donate to the Disabled Vets?"
Man: "Sorry, I gave at the Casino."

After a bad player makes an obvious straight flush on the river with a 5 card flush on the board ...
He tries to check raise with it.
Only to have the Ace high flush check it down.
Straight flush: "I wanted you to bet it!!".
Ace High flush: "I have a hard enough time playing my hand ... now you want me to play yours too!"

After another complicated check raise with open end straight flush draw with overcards .... But getting called by the virtual nuts.
Player 1 check raises the turn with 10cJc with a board of KcQcKd3s then bets the river when a 3h falls. Upon being called, player 1 proudly turns his hand over and doesn't say a word.
Player #2 "Huh?" [looks and looks ... turns his head sideways and looks again. Decides he has the winning hand and turns over K4 offsuite.
Player #1 "Well, if you didn't have a king you probably would have folded."
Player #2 "Yeah, you're right ... But I thought you had something the way you turned it over real proud."
Player #1 "I was hoping you would misread my hand and throw yours away".
Player #3 "It was a nice try, but Bob can't think that fast".

Submitted ot RGP by akevlahn@IDT.NET (Kevlahan) - Chris K.

Wild Cat

Several hours later, the stranger is dealt 23457o. He bets and the same old guy raises him the pot. Without the slightest hint of a tell, the stranger raises all-in. The old guy calls and lays down an ace high flush, and reaches for the chips.

"Whoa there! I've got a wild cat.", says the stranger as he lays down his cards.
"Nice hand.", says the old guy as he scoops up the pot. "What did I tell you about house rules?", as he points to a sign over the stranger's left shoulder.
"House Rule -Wild Cat - Only Good Once a Night"

Submitted by pmg@monmouth.com (pat gilvary)

Tim The Tool Man's Fan

But the floor man said he couldn't have it on the table. When Tim objected, the floor called security who tossed Tim out on his fan.

Set up submitted to RGP by postonly@nospam.com
Punch line submitted to RGP by jadc@dnvr.uswest.net (John A. D. Cervanyk )

Bulldog Poker Player

As the dealer starts to pass the dog by, the guy says, "Hey, deal my dog in!"
Everyone looks rather askance but they deal him in.

To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and begins to play!
After a few hands one of the guys says, "Say, that's amazing! Your dog ought to be in the Guiness Book of Records!"

The dog owner says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is a sucker for a check-raise."

Submitted to RGP by jlong@mti.net (Joe Long)

The Leprechaun

Submitted to RGP by dbt@idt.net (dave taggart)

Go to Las Vegas

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice.
He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe."

He goes to The Horseshoe.

The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."

He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP.

He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd.

The voice says, "Go all in."

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8h9h10h.

The voice says, "Fuck."

Submitted to RGP by ken@elsop.com (Ken Churilla)

The Poker Pro with the Tatoo

John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his penis that said "RUSH". The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.

Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.

Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player, also, but his tatoo said "ROYAL FLUSH."

Submitted to RGP by edbarr@flash.net (Ed Barrett)

The Crazy Bet

The first guy is playing pretty wild, throwing away money like it doesn't mean anything. The second guy occasionally glances at his table. Now one of the players at the first table is the owner of the club, who likes to sit down every now and then and give the regulars a little of their money back. After a while, he can't help but wonder where the new fish at his table, who is down three thousand dollars already, gets his money, since he's obviously got lots of it. So he asks him, "Say, what do you do for a living?"

The guy answers, "I bet people".

"Huh?", says the poker club owner, displaying that professions characteristic wit.

"I bet people. You know, about whether certain things will happen. Like, I could bet you ten thousand dollars that by the next time you win a pot, your balls will be cubical."

"What? Cubical balls? No way. I mean, how could you make money betting like that? You wouldn't bet that."

"I sure would. Ten thousand dollars. This game is pretty boring anyway, it needs a side bet."

The club owner thinks for a while, but he really can't see any way to lose this bet. Ten thousand dollars for free - he can't resist. You don't get to be a club owner without a big dose of greed, and this guy is typical, so he agrees to the absurd bet.

Strangely enough, the guy's play tightens up quite a bit, and as the next few hands are played, the club owner seems a little reluctant to go to the showdown. Not that he thinks it could actually happen, but, well, he can't help being a little superstitious. The guy he made the bet with notices this and takes advantage of it, bluffing him out of a pot. Maybe he isn't such a fish, think the other players. But then why would he make such a stupid bet?

After a while, the inevitable happens. The owner is dealt pocket aces, and the flop comes AKK. He may be a little worried, but there is no way he can fold a hand like this, and besides, his eyes are lighting up at the thought of 10 grand plus all the action he could get if someone else has one of the remaining aces or kings. Two players stay in to the showdown, and the owner gets a monster pot, his full house beating aces up and a player with Kx who got hit by the turn for Kings up. After he is pushed the pot, the eyes of all the players turn to the mysterious bettor.

"Well? You owe me 10 grand!", says the owner. "I can assure you, they feel just fiiiiiiine!"

"Can I see them.", asks the stranger.

"WHAT?", screams the casino owner.

"This is ten thousand dollars on the line. How can I believe you? Maybe you are lying for the money, or maybe you wouldn't even be able to tell. Who knows how cubical balls feel, right? I'm going to have to examine them to confirm that I lost the bet."

The casino owner thinks about it for a while, but while rather bizarre, he can't help realizing the request makes sense. How else to prove he won? His prudish nature battles with his greed for a while, but the final result is as predictable as a fight between a fish's fear of losing his last few chips and his hope that maybe this time, finally, he'll get that monster flop. The stranger walks over, and the casino owner drops his pants. The stranger's friend is watching intently from the other table in the room. The stranger reaches up, cups the owner's balls, then releases them and says, "You're right. You win the bet."

The casino owner restores his clothing and smiles hugely, as the stranger's friend goes on massive tilt, slamming his fists on the table and yelling, "FUCK YOU! YOU BASTARD, YOU DID IT AGAIN!"

The casino owner, curious about these strange events, asks the stranger, "I don't get it. If you make losing bets like that, how do you make money? And why is your friend so pissed?"

"One answer should do for both.", replies the stranger smugly. "While we were parking, I bet my friend fifty grand that before an hour of playing went by, I'd have the owner of the casino by the balls."

Submitted to RGP by patri@cs.Stanford.EDU (Patri Forwalter-Friedman)

Little Johnnie talks poker

Alas, one Saturday night, grandpa seemed to be missing every flop, and was on the verge of tilt for the first time ever. Near the end of the evening in a capped pot, with grandpa on the button, he looked at his cards only to see 2-7 off. Furious at his run of bad luck, grandpa splashed the pot with a call.

Johnnie looked up at his grandpa and said, "You shouldn't have called that bet, papa."

Grandpa was stunned. "Johnnie, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!"

Johnnie looked at grandpa and said, "Well, up til now, you've been playing just fine."

Submitted to RGP by edbarr@flash.net (Ed Barrett)

Playing Poker with the Rent Money

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Submitted to RGP by purplvegas@aol.com (Purplvegas)

Bill Gates get's a Poker Lesson

Well about 6 months go by and Saint Peter decides to see how his friend Bill is doing. He opens the window to hell and there is Bill shacked by his ankles, hanging over a fiery pit. Peter asks him how he likes his new home.
Bill says, "Saint Peter, this isn't anything like you showed me. What happened?"
Saint Peter responds, "Sorry Bill, I thought you realized that was just the demo version".

Submitted to RGP by marym@itis.com (MadMary)

Famous Poker Player

"Well," interrupts Mike, "actually, I am Mike Caro."

Well, the young man is almost speechless, but does continue, "Look Mike, I think you're great. I've got all your books and videos and blah, blah, blah, etc......could you do me a favor?"

"What ever you want,"says Mike.

"Well, you see I'm at another table with my new girlfriend and it would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say, 'Hello Steve'."

"Sure, no problem." says Mike.

So Steve rushes back to his table and his girlfriend returns. A few moments later, over pops Mike to their table and goes up to Steve.

"Hi Steve, how you doing?" says Mike.

Steve looks up and says, "Oh, fuck off, Mike.

Submitted to RGP by ken@elsop.com (Ken Churilla)

Obnoxious Kid on poker night

Submitted to RGP by boatscribe@aol.com (Boatscribe)

Habitually Greener

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"Well," another one said, "We play Hold'em poker. It's a great game. Do you want to play?".
This, he had to try. After being taught the fundamentals, the rabbits started to play. Although a fish, the rabbit was very lucky and won several big pots. The last one he drew out on an ace high flush by hitting his card on the river to make his pocket deuces into a full house.
Delighted with his wins, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.
"Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Submited to RGP by ken@elsop.com (Ken Churilla)

Kids Play Poker Too

He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth.......

The milkman asks, "Are your parents in?"

The boy replies, "WHAT DO YOU F$@%*!=A3G THINK?"

Submitted to RGP by growcott@ferndown.tt.slb.com (Alastair Growcott)

Poker Quips

The man asks, "Is this gambling?"

W.C. Fields replies, "Not the way I play it."

Submitted by ken@elsop.com (Ken Churilla)

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your porch?
A: Pay him for the Pizza!

Submitted to RGP by grizz@interaccess.com (Gizz)

Q: How can you tell a poker player is lying?
A: His chips are moving.

Submitted to RGP by pattib@netcom.com (Patti Beadles)

Q: Heard of the Los Angeles poker hand?
A: Four Clubs beat a King

Submitted by tbrower@timereporter.com (Ty Brower)

Q: What is the difference between a poker player and a dog.
A: In about ten years the dog quits whinning.

Submitted to RGP by Ed Hill - winner777@aol.com (Winner777)

Q: What is the difference between a poker room and a church?
A: When you pray in a poker room, you really mean it!!

Three ninth grade girls go into a poker room, a blond, a brunette and a redhead.....
Q: The brush chases the redhead and the brunette out, but not the blond.....Why??
A: She is 23....

Submitted by holdem@express-news.net (T-BONE)

There are TWO rules for ultimate success in poker:
1. Never tell everything you know.

Submitted by ken@elsop.com (Ken Churilla)

I have a t-shirt touting "Big Johnson's Bar & Casino"; Liqour up front and Poker in the rear!

Submitted by ladiesman@sprintmail.com (Jack Sarant)

I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full house and four people died.

Submitted by ken@elsop.com (Ken Churilla)

Another humor site you might enjoy is Elsop's Humor for Webmasters